Idle Thoughts

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once

---or twice

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The easiest way to find something 

lost around the house 

is to buy a replacement.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

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     I went to  San Francisco. 

I found someone's heart. 

Now what?

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Protons have mass? 

I didn't even know 

they were Catholic.

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All I ask 

is a chance to prove that money 

can't make me happy.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a  

whole  box to start a campfire?

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

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 If the world were a logical place, 

men would be the ones 

who ride  horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? 

Aren't all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible 

and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous 

in the home and, when he grows up,

he'll never be able to merge 

his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left 

when everything else is gone.

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My weight is perfect for my height

--which varies.

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I used to be indecisive. 

Now I'm not sure.

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All of us could take a lesson 

from the weather. 

It pays no attention  

 to  criticism.

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How can there be 

self-help "groups"?

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If swimming is so good for your figure, 

how do you explain whales?

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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 

and I'll show you  a  man who can't get his pants off

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Is it me --

or do buffalo wings 

taste like chicken?

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So You Like Flying?

Up In The Air Or Not

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Continental Airlines

Continental Airlines has become the last of the big U.S. carriers to offer free meals for coach passengers.

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Airline Announcements United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.

' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

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As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..'

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The U.S. Department of Transportation’s Bureau of Transportation Statistics released the following air travel 2009 facts:
*) 703.9 million travelers
*) U.S. airlines flew 6.6% fewer domestic and international flights than in 2008
*) U.S. flights were on average 80.4% full system wide
*) Airlines expected to lose $2.8 billion in 2010.

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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Time-Shifted TV Shows Update

The 11 most time-shifted TV shows, through Nov. 2009

Source: Advertising Age

	PROGRAM	# OF PEOPLE*
1	Fox's "House"	5,038,000
2	ABC's "Grey's Anatomy"	4,968,000
3	NBC's "The Office"	3,810,000
4	CBS's "NCIS"	3,588,000
5	CBS's "The Mentalist"	3,577,000
6	ABC's "V"	3,566,000
7	ABC's "Deperate Housewives"	3,355,000
8	CBS's "The Big Bang Theory"	3,219,000
9	CBS's "Survivor: Samoa"	3,112,000
10	ABC's "FlashForward"	3,098,000
11	CBS's "Criminal Minds"	3,075,000

Who is The Apple PC Man? Its John Hodgeman!

One of Many Apple Ads http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GWYaviIzCU&NR=1

John Kellogg Hodgman (born June 3, 1971) is an American author and humorist.

In addition to his published written work, such as The Areas of My Expertise, he is best known for his personification of a PC in Apple's "Get a Mac" advertising campaign and his correspondent work on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

While he plays the role of a PC in the campaign, Hodgman is actually a Mac user: "I bought the very first Mac, or convinced my father to buy it, in 1984."

Who is John Hodgeman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUEHUTM8uRc

John Hodgman - Pangea Day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyQvjE3pgQg&feature=related

Moleman Interview http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qj7PTxeUHYE

6 Worst Travel Agents Of 2007

According to the Department of Transportation's Air Travel Consumer Report the top 6 most complained about travel agents for 2007 are:

5. (tie) Priceline.com & Cheapoair.com
4. CheapTickets.com
3. Expedia.com
2. Travelocity.com
1. Orbitz.com

Most of Orbitz's complaints dealt with problems ticketing and boarding... and of course, refunds.

The complaints listed here represent only those formally lodged with the Dept. of Transportation.

For more fun information:
http://airconsumer.ost.dot.gov/reports/index.htm

Man Saved From Chimney

EVANSVILLE, Ind. (AP) -- Firefighters had to tear though a wall to rescue a man who became stuck while trying to climb through a chimney into a home.

Alejandro Valencio said he was drunk when he climbed down the chimney about 3:30 a.m. Tuesday to see a woman who lived in the home.

''Everyone do stupid things sometimes when they're drunk,'' he said.

The woman, Connie Deweese, said she had known Valencio for about seven or eight months but told him to stay away. She said she locked the door to her home, but ''somehow he got to the roof.''

''I've dated a lot of psychos in my life, but nobody like that,''Deweese said.

Firefighters requested assistance from police officers after they
arrived because they said Deweese was blocking the fireplace. She
received misdemeanor citations for charges of disorderly conduct and
interfering with a firefighter.

''I told them to leave him in the chimney and let him die,'' she said.

Valencio was taken to a hospital after he was removed. He later returned to the home, where a crew from television station WEHT captured Deweese hitting him with a garbage can and pelting him with bottles.

''Get off my porch, and don't you ever come back here,'' she yelled.

Valencio said he would help pay for the damages incurred from his rescue.

For More About Chimneys
blogs.salon.com/ 0004217/2005/09/14.html

Survey America - Daily Living

What surveys say about Americans

Daily Living


90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.