Thanksgiving Fun!

May a smile be your cranberry sauce.

Idle Thoughts

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once

---or twice

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The easiest way to find something 

lost around the house 

is to buy a replacement.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

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     I went to  San Francisco. 

I found someone's heart. 

Now what?

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Protons have mass? 

I didn't even know 

they were Catholic.

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All I ask 

is a chance to prove that money 

can't make me happy.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a  

whole  box to start a campfire?

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

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 If the world were a logical place, 

men would be the ones 

who ride  horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? 

Aren't all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible 

and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous 

in the home and, when he grows up,

he'll never be able to merge 

his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left 

when everything else is gone.

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My weight is perfect for my height

--which varies.

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I used to be indecisive. 

Now I'm not sure.

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All of us could take a lesson 

from the weather. 

It pays no attention  

 to  criticism.

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How can there be 

self-help "groups"?

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If swimming is so good for your figure, 

how do you explain whales?

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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 

and I'll show you  a  man who can't get his pants off

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Is it me --

or do buffalo wings 

taste like chicken?

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So You Like Flying?

Up In The Air Or Not

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Continental Airlines

Continental Airlines has become the last of the big U.S. carriers to offer free meals for coach passengers.

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Airline Announcements United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.

' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

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As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..'

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The U.S. Department of Transportation’s Bureau of Transportation Statistics released the following air travel 2009 facts:
*) 703.9 million travelers
*) U.S. airlines flew 6.6% fewer domestic and international flights than in 2008
*) U.S. flights were on average 80.4% full system wide
*) Airlines expected to lose $2.8 billion in 2010.

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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