Thanksgiving Fun!

May a smile be your cranberry sauce.

Idle Thoughts

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once

---or twice

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The easiest way to find something 

lost around the house 

is to buy a replacement.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

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     I went to  San Francisco. 

I found someone's heart. 

Now what?

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Protons have mass? 

I didn't even know 

they were Catholic.

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All I ask 

is a chance to prove that money 

can't make me happy.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a  

whole  box to start a campfire?

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

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 If the world were a logical place, 

men would be the ones 

who ride  horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? 

Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible 

and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous 

in the home and, when he grows up,

he'll never be able to merge 

his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left 

when everything else is gone.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height

--which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. 

Now I'm not sure.

********************

All of us could take a lesson 

from the weather. 

It pays no attention  

 to  criticism.

********************

How can there be 

self-help "groups"?

********************     

If swimming is so good for your figure, 

how do you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 

and I'll show you  a  man who can't get his pants off

******************* 

Is it me --

or do buffalo wings 

taste like chicken?

******************** 

Gasoline Coupons

Overlooked Gas Coupons


I  didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one  gallon of gas at most retailers.

I have seen them around, but until  recently never took advantage of them, I never realized  their actual worth.

You  probably have one or two just lying around somewhere.

Now is the time to use them before  they lose their value, and it's too  late!!


 SEE  COUPON BELOW...
 

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So You Like Flying?

Up In The Air Or Not

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Continental Airlines

Continental Airlines has become the last of the big U.S. carriers to offer free meals for coach passengers.

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Airline Announcements United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.

' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

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As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..'

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The U.S. Department of Transportation’s Bureau of Transportation Statistics released the following air travel 2009 facts:
*) 703.9 million travelers
*) U.S. airlines flew 6.6% fewer domestic and international flights than in 2008
*) U.S. flights were on average 80.4% full system wide
*) Airlines expected to lose $2.8 billion in 2010.

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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MISC Reports Santa Edition

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Santa 'sacked for saying ho, ho, ho'

A Father Christmas has hung up his Santa suit after he claiming he's been
sacked for saying "ho, ho, ho!"

John Oakes, 70, says he was fired from a department store in Cairns,
Australia, for using Santa's famous greeting and singing carols.

He claims agency employer Westaff ordered their Santas to say "ha, ha, ha"
instead of "ho, ho, ho" because "ho" is a derogatory US slang word for a
woman.

Mr Oakes told the Cairns Post: "After my shift on Monday, I got a call from
my manager telling me my services were no longer required.

"I hadn't done anything wrong so I asked her why, and she said, "You said
ho, ho, ho and that's not appropriate".

"She also said I wasn't supposed to sing, but I was only singing Jingle
Bells to get the kids to laugh for their photo. It's just ridiculous and
everything's changed because of the new rules.'"

US-based Westaff denied the words were a factor in Mr Oakes' case.

Company spokesman Bert Jansz said: "The candidate was not sacked nor was his
use of the term 'ho, ho, ho' a factor in our decision.

"The candidate's attitude was not in line with the requirements of our
client and of their customers."


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Santa needs a license

Angry parents in Hungary have formed an association to license local
Santas after complaining they weren't up to scratch.

The Hungarian Santa Foundation has teamed up with Santa Claus workers'
unions to create an exam with strict requirements for people who want to
work as Santas.

And they plan to take legal action against any fake Father Christmases
who try and operate without a Santa licence.

Apart from having to sit the exams - from now on every Hungarian Santa
has to be at least 5ft 7ins tall and in good physical shape.

His voice has to be low, and he has to possess good communication skills,
and he has to convince examiners he likes kids.

Foundation head Gyoergy Balint said: "If a jolly old man with a sack of
presents is found handing out presents amongst kids on the street
without a proper Santa diploma - then he will have to answer in
a court of law.

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Letter To Santa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6TGYtdGXsM


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Is Santa Borat's neighbor?

Santa Claus manages to stay hidden all year because he really lives in
Kazakhstan and not the North Pole, according to claims by a team
of Swedish experts.

A special team working for the Swedish logistics and consulting firm
SWECO said it had calculated that Santa's home would have to be
located in a mountain range that lay across the border between
Kazakhstan - Borat's homeland - and Kyrgyzstan to be best
located to make all his deliveries.

They said that based on the Earth's rotation and demographic data - the
Kazakhstan/Kyrgyzstan border mountain range would be the best place for
Father Christmas to set off from on Xmas Eve to deliver all his presents.

The team worked out what the best and quickest route would be - and
found that all roads led not to Rome - or the North Pole - but the remote
mountain region on the Kazakhstan border.

Anders Larsson, consultant at SWECO, said: "It might explain why he's not
seen that often the rest of the year."


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Santa Claus should go to the gym, kids say

SPANISH children think Santa Claus is "too fat" and should go on a diet,
and that he should ditch his sleigh for a four-wheel-drive or a motorcycle.

The opinions are based on an internet poll of 4000 children aged four to
12 by children's television channel Jetix.

It said 53 per cent of them thought Father Christmas was "too fat", and 59
per cent believed he should eat better to lose weight, or go to the gym
(19 per cent.)

Many also thought his means of transport was outdated, as a sleigh was
too slow for delivering presents.

A total of 35 per cent thought he should change it for a 4WD and
31 per cent for a motorcycle.

But they were ready to keep at least one Christmas tradition - his big red
coat.

Only 21 per cent of them would like him to come down the chimney
in a shirt and jeans.

Unverified News From The Stump

Unverified News From The Stump
By Larry V raving reporter

Under pressure to explain his religious faith to the
American people, Democratic presidential candidate
Barack Obama delivered a forty-five minute speech
today discussing his belief in Oprah Winfrey.

“My religion is a personal matter to me,” Sen. Obama
told his followers. “Having said that, let me make
this clear: I have accepted Oprah as my host.”

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Later in the day, Ms. Winfrey toured the state with
Mr. Obama and, in a stunning demonstration of her
influence, briefly caused a solar eclipse.

“Sun and moon, do my bidding!” she roared, raising her
hands above her head and delighting the crowd with the
celestial display.

-------------------------------------------------

Davis Logsdon, who studies the interrelation between
politicians, religion and talk-show hosts at the
University of Minnesota, said that Sen. Obama’s
worship of Oprah Winfrey puts him in the mainstream of
American theological belief.

“Over thirty percent of Americans currently define
themselves as Oprahists,” Mr. Logsdon said. “And that
number is higher during sweeps.”

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Elsewhere, the CIA created more controversy today by
acknowledging that it accidentally returned several
interrogation tapes to Blockbuster.

The Forbes Fictional 15

According to Forbes, the super-rich fascinates us all. Now they have taken fictional characters and elevated them to the status of real people.

It is a dynamic list of 15, with new entries and individual drop offs.

List Leaders (9-5-07)

1 Santa Claus
2 Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks
3 Richie Rich
4 Lex Luthor
5 C. Montgomery Burns
6 Scrooge McDuck
7 Jed Clampett
8 Bruce Wayne
9 Thurston Howell III
10 Willy Wonka 1
1 Arthur Bach 1
2 Ebenezer Scrooge
13 Lara Croft
14 Cruella De Vil
15 Lucius Malfoy


========================================


DROP OUT: Jay Gatsby
Source: Racketeering
Marital Status: Single
Hometown: West Egg, N.Y.
Bootleg kingpin found brutally murdered at his Long Island estate; story dominates New York tabloids for weeks. Born James Gatz in North Dakota; moved East; changed name.

In life, Gatsby famous for huge, P. Diddy-esque parties; home modeled after Normandy's Hotel de Ville. Shadowy fortune appears to have come entirely from racketeering. Though one associate claimed Jay "would never so much look at a friend's wife," whispers suggest otherwise. West Egg mansion taken over by the state, being turned into a public park. Member since 1925. -- Matthew Herper


http://www.forbes-fictional-rich_cx_mn_de_05fict15land.html

Helpful Hints For Everyday Espionage Problems

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours,
then slide aknife under the flap.
The envelope can then be resealed.
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Permanent marker ink on slick surfaces
(like incriminating store receiptBLUE!)
-- use rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
=============================
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry!
Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed
to wipe off every drop of blood.
Works every time!
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To clean those artificial flowers used to decorate your safe house, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and
dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! =============================================
Cure for headaches from too much espionage tension:
Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

Bondage Couple Lose Key

A German couple had to call out the fire brigade after tying each other up in chains - and then losing the key to the padlock.

Jochen Ranstett, 56 and his wife Maria, from the town of Weiden, dressed up in leathers and chained each other to their beds, but lost the key during the romp.

After hours of trying to free themselves they finally gave up and called for help on Jochen's mobile phone.

He said: "It was so embarrassing. We just wanted to try something a bit different and we ended up with this.

"I even had to be taken to hospital because my wrists had swollen so much from trying to get out of the handcuffs."

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2344515.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife

I'm a .....

Chocolate Car

A Chinese car dealer covered a car in chocolate for Valentine's Day.

About 450 pounds of melted chocolate was spread over the VW Beetle after it was first wrapped in cling film.

Seven people worked overnight to make sure the chocolate car was ready to go on display on the morning of Valentine's Day.

There is no word if anyone ate the car

Christmas Night